I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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