i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
