The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
