I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
