You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
