you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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