It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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