im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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