The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
