a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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