Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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