I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
