Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(330): View more from Ohio

She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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(858): View more from California

I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the camel was justified in biting me.

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(406): View more from Montana

And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

I can't help you there

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(914): View more from New York

Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.

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