Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
