Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
