i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
