Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
