My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
