make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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