dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
