I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
