mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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