two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
