She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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