Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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