It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
