Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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