I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
