when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
