someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
