....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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