she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
