i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
