I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
