If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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