I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
