When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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