allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
