hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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