I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
