Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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