Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's always time for handjobs
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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