i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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