I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
