...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
