He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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