And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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