you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
