I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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