Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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