lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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