I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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