if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
