You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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