I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
